Zen And Baby Plans
by fly1412
Summary: One fine morning, Uchiha Sasuke's common-sense took a holiday. He now believes that it is possible for Naruto to be pregnant. So guess what else is going on holiday? Condoms.  SasuNaru, NejiGaara, ShikaTema, ChoujiFood...and eventual impregnation.
1. One Fine Morning

Sasuke surveys his immediate surroundings and thinks, 'this is the life.'

Life is a naked Naruto straddling his lap, with harsh keening moans escaping through his throat and fingers grasping desperately at Sasuke's upper arms. Naruto's tight channel slides up and down along and rubs itself against Sasuke's length, the seven-and-a-half-inches journey fairly smooth from the mint-flavoured condom. Sasuke watches as the blond man squeezes his eyes shut, hiding from him that gorgeous piece of summer sky, and how he bites down hard on those pink, rubber lips, so _fucking elastic_ and _pouty_, to drag back all those screams threatening to stage a prison break.

What Naruto doesn't realise, however, is that his "Mm, mmph!" noises makes Sasuke even harder. The thick muscle inside him swells a further half an inch, and Naruto widens his eyes before giving up control of all his limbs, head dropping abruptly onto a hard chest. Over the past few months Naruto had let his hair grow out a little, and he's swept the end result into a careless side fringe that makes him look both mature and slightly feminine. Sasuke lifts up a cool hand and places it on the nape of Naruto's neck, lips quirking at Naruto's breathy sigh of appreciation, and inwardly sighs.

So- it seems like he actually does have to do some of the work tonight. Moving his other hand onto Naruto's hip, he licks his lips and slams his pelvis up, aim perfect in a violent push against Naruto's prostate.

Naruto's gasp is broken mid-breath, and he doesn't quite recover until a few hours later, when they're cleaned up and snuggled between fresh sheets and covers. Of course, this draining of energy is to be replenished in the form of numerous bowls of ramen, and because Sasuke is _a nice boyfriend like that_, he wakes up an hour earlier than Naruto and hums his way happily to Ichiraku's for take away. It's a service he's persuaded the old man and his daughter to participate in.

Yes, Sasuke is so happy from his wild passionate lovemaking that he _hums_. He stops whenever an early riser or health freak jogs past _because he's Uchiha fucking Sasuke for crying out loud_, but he hums. The tune varies from 'I Wanna Sex You Up' to 'My Heart Will Go On'. Naruto's not the only surprising ninja in Konohagakure.

His wallet is near empty when he carries the metal delivery boxes back home, two in each hand.

He's at the corner of their street when he hears: "...demons are hermaphrodites. I mean like, demon are by definition nymphomaniacs, so you can bet that inflation and petrol prices aren't the only things always _up_, if you know what I mean. They have all that spare time left over in the Spirit World and they sure as hell don't play_ poker_. Well maybe they do when they're taking a break from their procreating activities, but why wouldn't they have both male and female sexual organs for reproduction? It's like, a logical assumption. Just imagine little hybrid Tailed Beasts running around on their horrible paws, with their Tailed Beast hermaphrodite mummies and hermaphrodite daddies proudly watching on. Anybody can inseminate and anybody can be inseminated, and any part of their genetic makeup can be passed down to the little monsters. It's _genius_."

Sasuke glances from his peripherals at the girl who said all that so matter-of-factly. She has dark brown hair, a small figure, and (most importantly) glasses. Even the great Uchiha Sasuke is not immune to stereotypes, which is why he associates these glasses with intelligence.

(But Uchiha Sasuke does not wear glasses because they make his face look bloated. He knows this because he has secretly tried on various pairs at the optometrist. Besides, Sasuke doesn't need glasses to look smart. The Uchiha name _defines_ mental astuteness.)

Being in possession of glasses automatically categorises the girl's declaration as pure, simple fact. A smile grows and blooms in a matter of seconds on Sasuke's face and his walk evolves into a powerwalk, half because Naruto's ramen will inflate, and half because of the revelation, the _epiphany_, that it may be possible for Naruto to get pregnant and continue on his glorious bloodline, HECKYEAH. He's so giddy, he practically glides home, because at the moment his daily routine shifts itself into the following order: ramen, Naruto sex, bath, ramen, Naruto sex, bath, sleep, repeat. Sasuke's common-sense is sent off on a holiday to somewhere with a white sandy beach, cocktails with umbrellas, a beautiful sunset and giant Sharingan eyeballs.

He completely misses it when the girl adds:

"At least, that's how I'm going to explain it in my fanfiction."


	2. The Toilet Feels Loved

Naruto is not so happy about the new arrangement. He admits that he was very fascinated with the idea of Sasuke not wearing a condom when they _have sex make love roll in the sheets_ and _ohgodohfuckyeahrightthere_ it's goddamn amazing to feel Sasuke without the latex, but...

...emphasis on the WAS.

Now he dreads it whenever Sasuke puts on his sexyface (Uchiha Sasuke has a sexy face and a sexyface. Yes, there is a difference.) that he can rarely refuse and slides home into him, no artificial barrier between them, and refuses to pull out when he comes. Sasuke then loops his arm around Naruto's waist and denies Naruto the right to a shower even though they are both hot, sticky and sweaty and _Uchiha Sasuke your sperm does not feel good in my ass, no_!

But these are all excuses, a façade Naruto puts on to mask the real reason why he so desperately needs the bathroom. The truth is, lying there in the afterglow of _babythisiswhatHeavenfeelslike_ sex, sweat, heat, stickiness and all is not so bad. Not even when Sasuke explodes inside of him and it feels like lava, burning his insides. It's the number one reassurance Naruto has, living proof that Sasuke is alive and he wasn't stupid enough to continue on his idiotic avenger's crusade and get killed. Besides, after Itachi told Sasuke everything and Danzo got as many life sentences as the number of Uchiha clan members he ordered killed, everything turned out quite peachy.

Anyway, the point is, whenever Sasuke's semen is left inside him overnight, there's bound to be a stomachache the morning after.

Sasuke's never there to see it when Naruto practically rocket-launches himself to the bathroom, because he was raised never to be late to anything. He took this rule even more seriously since becoming an ANBU member, so every weekday promptly at seven in the morning, Sasuke would be out the front door. Naruto has it slightly easier (Kakashi is proud to tell anybody who will listen that he is the influence behind Naruto's tardiness) at eight, but once Sasuke's presence disappears Naruto stops pretending to be asleep and stays in the spacious bathroom, emptying his stomach contents through both the up and down routes, as revolting as it is.

(Later, while he was surfing the Internet, Naruto found that since it had nowhere to go, the ejaculate could cause quite a ruckus inside a male body if it was not properly cleaned out immediately after. The scientific explanation was lost on Naruto because- it was a scientific explanation. Naruto does not concern himself with science; it's just not his style.)

When he emerges half an hour later, looking ashen, he barely has enough energy left to put on his clothes, cook breakfast (ramen), make lunch (cup ramen) and set out the ingredients for that night's dinner (_x_, + ramen).

Sakura is on a well-earned lunch break at Konoha General Hospital when Naruto barges into her office during his time off at the Hokage Tower and violates the innocence of her ears by sprouting a lot of details about his sexual endeavours with the man she's had a crush on for almost all her life. She puts on a sympathetic face and gets up from her very comfortable chair to walk over to Naruto, and when he least expects grabs hold of his ear and tugs, viciously.

Naruto howls.

"Naruto, I know you don't have any brain cells to spare so I will make this short for you. I've just delivered three babies, amputated an arm and a leg off one person, and got an antidote made just in time for it to effectively work. I've also been on duty for thirty hours. WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M IN THE FUCKING MOOD TO LISTEN TO YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE, WHILE MINE IS DISAPPOINTINGLY LACKING?"

Huffing, Sakura lets go, and Naruto whines. Sighing, Sakura puts down her sandwich and twists her hair to be secured by a clip, then tears off a piece of paper and writes something down, signing her name at the end.

"Take the first one once a day with food, it'll ease some of the stomach pains. The second one is an ointment, and you rub it in after you've showered properly. It should help with the swelling. Now go, before I decide to prescribe you something not so beneficial."

Thankfully, Naruto's not so dumb as to ask _where_ to rub it, so he takes the slip of paper from her and presses a kiss to her cheek, grinning widely.

"Thanks, Sakura-chan!"

Sakura watches the blond man go with a small, fond smile. She'll never tell him, of course, but on that night of the first day of spring three years ago, when Naruto reappeared at the village gates after being missing for two weeks and carrying a bloodied Sasuke over his shoulder and sporting various gruesome injuries on his own body, and yelled to her _"We're home!"_, somebody replaced Uchiha Sasuke as the most important person in her life. Naruto will never know, because Sakura won't ever tell him.

Sasuke remembers being shocked by the ANBU when he first joined them a year ago. Not because they were these tough men who went about their business all day with identical, uniform facial expressions seemed to be set in concrete, but because they were gross, sweaty men who wrestled with each other, did their paperwork half-heartedly, and were just in general, lazy asses. Sure, they were serious as all hell when there was a highly ranked mission that threatened the wellbeing of their village, but behind the large ANBU doors and a few levels underground, the elite Konoha ninjas are slovenly.

Sasuke is now one of them. He nods solemnly (sluggishly) at his comrades and makes his way to the common room, where Neji, Lee and Shino have already gathered. The senior ANBU members know that Sasuke, Neji and Shino are not a talkative bunch (because Lee talks enough for half the village and Naruto accounts for the other half), and so nobody bothers to engage in conversation these three statue imitators.

It's usually a battle of stamina to see who can endure Lee's energetic ramblings about youth the longest, and today it's Shino who loses.

"So," Shino interrupts Lee with his low voice, "what's new?"

Lee beams and looks ready to launch a presidential-length speech, but Neji cuts in and distracts the green-attired man with some news about how Gai-sensei wrote him a letter (boxes of letters) about his year-long sabbatical training in the snowy mountains somewhere not in Konoha, thank god. And that Gaara is looking for a temporary replacement Kazekage, because he is starting to get tired of seeing nothing but sand, day after day, and he could do with a small vacation, duties be damned, because we're in an era of peace, and he has two perfectly capable siblings _(andImissyou)_.

Shikamaru walks in, fashionably late. He holds a mission scroll in his hand but dismisses them with a wave of his hand when they ask about it.

"Nothing important," he drawls lazily, "Tenten made ANBU."

This draws collective murmurs from the men, but it is not protest to having a female join their ranks because Tenten is practically one of the guys. Rather, the guys are glad they have a weapons specialist to help along on their missions, where running out of kunai and shuriken is always a problem.

Sasuke chooses this moment to makes his announcement.

"I'm trying to get Naruto pregnant."

* * *

><p><strong>So. Um. Usually authors posts little notes at the end of each chapter, and I kind of wanted to try writing my own little notes, too. So here it is. I will reply to every review regarding questions and suggestions and I will promise to update if enough people threaten me. Don't expect my chapters to be of a long length, because I really am quite lazy and...yeah. I won't tell you that I have a life (because I don't, and it's so sad that my life is not very exciting but I don't feel sad. It's complicated, IDK) but I do write when I feel like it, and once I feel that I've written enough I will post.<strong>

**This will not happen at regular intervals, don't say I didn't warn you.  
><strong>

**To all my lovelies who reviewed, you guys are my little munchkin cupcakes, I LOVE YOU. People who haven't rolled their eyes in boredom at my lengthy after-note yet, I need to tell you guys that I have a Naruto and Gaara bias. Ohyes. Gaara is so cute he's like my own little baby panda and I will love him forever and ever even though he was a nasty little kid before he met Naruto but now he is like, a red green porcelain black little ray of rainbow.**

REPLIES:

Saphire' lovers: I assure you it's not me, because I dyed my hair a kind of peachy brown instead of just plain brown. Thank you for your review :).

anon: The rating has now been changed to M. I wasn't really paying attention to the rating since I posted the Foreword when I was half asleep, but thank you for the warning and the review, my dear :).


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